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Depression has always been close to me. I’m one of those highs and lows people. The last two years, I have had more lows than highs, and its hard to dig your way out no matter how hard you dig deep. For ten years I have been taking prescription SSRI’s, but about a year ago I decided to stop.

My friend, who is a clinical nurse, and knows me better than anyone at this moment of my life, suggested my depression is chemical, and I should consider going back on them. So four days ago I did.

The change was immediate. A bout of diarrhoea, loss of appetite and significant loss of libido, but! No more waking up and not wanting to get out of bed. No more panicking over my future. No more inability to focus my thoughts in a positive direction.

The libido thing is an issue, but I figure it has caused me more trouble than its worth, so I can live with that.

She was my best friend. Beautiful, smart and full of life. She left our home town before me for Melbourne, I followed soon after to Sydney. She was engaged to the handsome son of a wealthy family. Happy and her future planned out.

I decide to visit her in Melbourne with my Spanish lover. Annette brings a friend, and the four of us hit the town. Drinks! Coke! Dinner in a seedy part of town, Someone (???) suggests we run out on the bill, so they all take off and leave me. I do not have enough cash, so at the counter, I decide to run too.

A bunch of young gangsters chase me down an alley….dead-end. Knife to the throat and hand-gun to the chest. I’m still cocky despite a few punches, when the police turn up. Something is strange, the police are on my side. They tell the thugs to leave me and not press charges. WTF?

I’m led around the corner to discover why. Annette is dead. Run-over by a speeding police car without a siren. Chasing us for our $80 meal bill. The police are worried that this will get out. It never does.

I die inside.

***I have had several friends die in my life. Mostly drugs and misadventure. I have tried to learn from their loss each time. Nothing is a more potent message then – the end***

I was 22.  My drug taking habits had made me worried. So I went to the Kings Cross STD centre. I had Heb B. Triple tests, and I was the unlucky 5%. No immunity.  I would die from Liver cancer by 40. For the next 7 years of tests every six months. That was my result. 
I’m 29. Already a life fulfilled. And the test comes back. Surface E enzyme negative. I’ve developed immunity. I no longer have a death sentence. How to live now?

I was 22 and heavily into drugs. Had three jobs, a share house of crazy friends, and a room to let. She arrived to see the room. Beautiful does not do her justice. I thought she was shy, but it was just her poor English.

We dated, saved, travelled Australia and worked, and finally flew off together to see the world. I stopped the drugs, and consumed experiences instead.

We were a tumultuous couple. Highly sexual, intense emotions, and teetered between love and hate on a daily basis. I live in London, her in Madrid. We spend every second week together in either city for two more years. I proposed on the Bridge of Sighs in Venice. She said “you don’t mean that” and declined. She was right.

Step forward a few years. No contact whatsoever, and she arrives in Sydney unannounced. I have a child and a partner, but meet her and a mutual friend for the day. I invite her for dinner at home with my partner. As I drive her to our home, she told me she has come back to see if we can be together again. This should be a fun dinner!

That was it. She disappears forever.

Life has turned a corner. My twelve months of self imposed exile, physical work-outs and loneliness, have made me a new and different man.

I gathered the courage to leave everything and start a new life on the Gold Coast. I left my children, my familiar territory, my few remaining friends and the financial security I had. I am now on the beach, in a new and exciting part of the world, and I love it.

I wake, walk straight into the surf, dive into a minimum of two waves, and return home. Coffee enema (a new but rewarding routine), super healthy vegan breakfast, write down my thoughts, work in my home office, go to the local gym or swimming pool and return to the office.

Afternoons usually include a long board ride on my electric skateboard up and down the coast, followed by a surf. A short mediation. Find a new recipe (vegetarian), skate to the shops, inevitably buy some beer despite promising myself not to. Cook and sleep.

I am about to add Yoga to this routine – something formal. I have a blind date with a yoga teacher I met online this weekend – maybe that will work?

The routine is often disturbed by messages or calls from one of the four women I am in contact with. Each of them I have had a romantic relationship with in the last twelve months, but only Wendy continues. The others just care about me, and I care about them. Not sure if we cannot let go, or whether we think we will re-ignite. I doubt that’s the case. They are all so different, which I think says something. The German search and rescue doctor in the Austrian alps, the hippie gorgeous blonde who is coming to terms with not being the most beautiful woman on the beach anymore and wants to use me as an escape from her life, and the young and sexy single mum who does not know if she wants me or not – changes daily.

Climbing Mount Warning two weeks ago with my beautiful friend Wendy, we passed a young lady alone and barefoot, walking down. She had a serenity that made us both notice her. 
Later that day at breakfast by the river, we met again. Mayke was her name. A young Dutch woman on an amazing journey through life. She was discovering a deep spiritualism within herself, that I deeply wanted to learn from.

The last four days, Mayke agreed to share her discoveries with me. 24/7 we woke, swam in the ocean, yoga on the beach, prepared the most delicious vegan meals, meditation, healing sessions, organic shopping, and ate again.

The lessons I learnt, and discoveries about myself I gained, I cannot thank her enough for. I am an upgraded version of myself and am deeply humbled and excited by this.

Thank you for coming into my life Mayke, I hope you enjoy your Christmas in Bali, and the rest of the road you are travelling. I look forward to seeing you and your team for our next retreat in Ibiza.

I have met someone. She is a beautiful soul, enjoying discovering life, and full of a good energy. The only problem is – I’m not ready for anybody, and not sure if I was, who I should choose. So I have decided to choose me for the time being.

Wendy understands this, and I believe she is in a similar position. So; we are trying something neither of us have tried before; an OPEN relationship. So far it’s working. We both feel a pang of jealousy when the other dates, but have agreed it’s worth it to have what we have.

Let’s see how this goes

My new friend (I met a mate) and I decided to climb Mount Warning – I love her energy. We stayed in the most amazing Yurt for the weekend, and made love, ate and climbed the mountain.

It was wet, misty and mystical – a perfect day for me. We had just started the climb, when a young woman, alone, passed us heading down. I felt her pass. It was like a calm breeze swept through me. I stopped and looked back. Wanting to identify what made me feel this way. Shrugged, and continued on.

The mountain was both difficult and amazing.

On our return we stopped at a river-side cafe, set in the forest. The woman at the table nearest was the same person I had felt on the track. She was alone  and a little concerned about a tick bite she had from the walk. We chatted, and the same warmth and calm came over me.

Mayke is Dutch, 31, and ex model and business owner, who after nursing her mother to her grave, decided there was more than this, and went looking. She found it in Bali. I found her in the mountains.

I reached out to her through her website, and yesterday we met for lunch in a famous village called Mullumbimby – known around the world for its spirituality. We talked for nearly three hours. About ourselves, life forming moments, and most importantly, about what I wanted from her. I need that calm, that insight into the soul, that contentedness, that surety of who I am, and where I belong.

We agreed; in just over two weeks from now, Mayke will come and stay with me for three days and nights. It is a business transaction, although she did say if i could not afford her, she would be happy to defer payment until whenever I could afford it. She wants to give, and I need her teachings.

It will be intense. Fasting. Enemas, Meditation. Yoga. Healing. Chakra. Cooking. Connecting with myself in this universe. I think I have found my path.

I believe I am on my way to the next stage of my life, and I am jumping out of my skin with excitement. I am concerned whether I still have the strength of mind, and about what I will leave behind. I am however more excited than worried. 

My recent ex-lover, a German Anaesthetist, sent me a link as part of her goodbye well-wishes. “The Sinclair Method” A revolutionary way to combat alcoholic addiction.

I’ve done my research. Met my Doctor to get the prescribed drug (Naltrexone) and tonight I am giving it a go.

Naltrexone is what Paramedics use for Heroin overdoses – It immediately kills the buzz. It stops the brains’ Opioid receptors from working. In the case of alcohol, it stops these receptors from attaching to the endorphins released from drinking.

I took a pill a couple of hours ago. A slight bit of nausea, and a vague headache….nothing much of either. One bottle of white wine later; everything is different. I don’t have that urge to guzzle. That need to pop down and by some spirits. The curiosity of what my cocaine dealer is up to tonight. That skin itching desire to just keep going until I pass out. I feel like what a normal non-alcoholic person supposedly feels like. A little tipsy, and thinking that might be enough to drink tonight.

Very fucking weird. I may get used to this.

(Stay-tuned on this one. I will let you know how it goes)

My drug times in Sydney left me with a scar. A deep and meaningful one that I am only now understanding.

A free STD/HIV clinic was situated in Kings Cross Sydney, predominantly for the sex workers and drug users like me. I was 22/23 years old. I went for a check-up.

The results for Hepatitis B came back positive. Needle sharing. Not too big of a concern, as 90% of people get sick, fight it, and become surface E-enzyme positive. I didn’t. That meant I would be dead from Liver sclerosis by 40 at best. Not easy to swallow at that age. I decided to live my life in full before it happened.

Every 6 months from that time I had an LFT (Liver Functions test) and Hep B test. Nothing changed. I was going to die. Fuck it!

At 29, I had my usual test. It came back surface E-enzyme negative. I tested again. It was confirmed. Very rare event in medical terms.

Now I had to come to terms with living a normal life period. Sounds weird, but that is hard to get your head around at that age.